OH Childhood!! Where art thou??

Well I think I know now why I love children and why I always have these parental instincts around kids… Well it is that look in the eyes of kids… That look on the face of a kid is pricesless…. That look of purity… That age from one to five, maybe to six, when the biggest dream you can have is a piece of chocolate, maybe not even a bar of chocolate… Just a piece would be enough…..
You know basically when you reach the age of six you change…. You are past Kindergarten when you are all about having the most fun you could have and you start getting consumed and sucked up with the first few lessons you get to learn about life’s endless bullshit…. You start losing your interest in the good things, the little things, the piece of chocolate… You rase the stakes to a bar of chocolate and then you go for more and more and more…. You don’t love chocolate that much anymore at a point in time cause you found a substitute…. You just start stepping over your first long-term relationship with someone or something other than your parents….

Your long-term relationship with chocolate…

When you are six you are pulled into the world of competition, looking cool among your friends and immitating older life sucked, self obsessed people not knowing that they are the product of a great fuck up plan at the age of six that you are falling for years later the same way they did years ago……

A few years later as time flies by, you turn fifteen and you get consumed in the whole process of being the center of attention to everyone and the gravitational power to girls and you keep living that for a while before you get to the age of twenty or twenty one and then discover that you gotta grow up and make a life and a career and that is where you get the new challenge…. How to screw up people before they do that to you? And you try in the process to find true love which you may not be lucky enough to find and even if you do it may just be your true love but not the same for that person you are in love with….

And then you get to be sucked up more and more by the day and the hour until you die…..

You know why I have this deep love to sit on the floor with children or just make one of them laugh…. It starts with nature’s purity that you can’t see except in their eyes and that magical smile, real smile they do have carved on their faces as they laugh which they never know they are gonna lose with time and replace it with fake pale smiles… But more importantly there is that significant thing I know I love them for and I get all parental and caring around them…. It is the fact that I miss being one of them…. I miss that feeling that I know I can’t remember but pretty much have got to learn about how it feels through their eyes and smiles…

I miss being the young kid… I miss my first long-term relationship with chocolate… I miss not caring about muscular and body power and weight…. I miss the beauty of the purity that nature empowers us with on birth and that we all lose along the way….

And most importantly, I do miss smiling fearless and real happy…..

Here is to Nature,
And here’s to my search for the young child I was who may or maynot still exist inside me….
And here’s to the possibility that I may find that child, And here’s to the possibility that I may once enjoy helping a child of my own keep that nature of his intact….
Here’s to these possibilities and to all possibilities…..

And yeah OH CHILDHOOD!! WHERE ART THOU???

Prelude to Life

Did you ever wakeup suddenly and realize that the problem is not with life, and it is with people not relating to things the way they are supposed to. In fact, sometimes it is you who do not relate to things the right way.

Every morning of every single day you wake up not knowing what is going to happen and to your surprise sometimes what happens is actually what you never wanted to happen and never expected. But yet you go on, you think some events happening may kill you, you think they maybe the end of your life and may mean the end of the world to you, but they never do.

Still you know that with them happening things will never be the same as before and you will always hate your life that way. You start to wander around, ask yourself questions and wish things never took those sharp turns.

You feel a lot of feelings and so much pain, all types of pain and different types of pain. Some of those types of pain may be diagnosed as illness pains and not just illness, maybe terminal illness. Yet, you are not scared of death anymore because you don’t value your life.

Pain, Pain, Pain!! Chest strokes,
Shortness of breath,
That stupid load you feel you are carrying,
You can’t move…
Your legs are almost paralyzed with the pain,
You are dizzy,
Your head is no more that attentive to stuff you say or hear or even the ones you want,
Your vision is blurry,
You are scared to lose and then lose and then lose a little bit more,
You already lost a lot and you believe you have nothing else left to lose here,
You want to start winning,
You know you won’t unless people allow you to,
You go to sleep wishing you wake up a different person in a different place and at a different time or not wake up at all,
But you always do wake up, same person, same place, same time, nothing’s changed,
Your dreams are collapsing,
You are falling apart,
Your heart misses the feelings of pure love cause people managed to mess with it enough to make it pure without the love word attached to it,
Pure pain,
Pure hurt,
Pure anything that you didn’t want to have……

You try to pull out your gun and shoot yourself, well here’s a pickle, you never had a gun… You then wish a truck would hit you while the driver’s asleep because he had to work long hours, but damn it all truckers suddenly are very alert and attentive while driving.

You go for long walks and wish you never come back, you wish to die in the process but you won’t unless it is your time and that is enough to make you know that you even have to wait for death. You are not suicidal, you are not going to go for it on your own, you just want it all happening with forces of nature only in control, and you don’t plan on interfering in the process.

You are lost,
You need to know you are either going to go or you will just stay and have everything set right once and for all,
You will never get both as long as you wish for them,
You are standing there,
It is like you are standing in an airport, looking at the tunnel where every one walks as they board the plane and you want to board too, but you do not have a ticket or a boarding pass,
And you don’t have the money to buy the former and hence get the latter at some counter,
Your life is a misery, and you,
You are just being tortured for sins you never did,
You are punished for the love, the dreams and the purity of heart.

Here’s to love that wouldn’t kill, Purity that wouldn’t hurt and Dreams that would come true….
Here’s to you, me and everyone who finds this interesting….
And here’s to that little thing you all know about…. Here’s to Possibilities….

E.E. Cummings – I carry your heart with me

This is a poem I really liked, sometime ago, and I guess it made back then lots of sense to me…. What a load of crap!!!

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it inmy heart) I am never without it (anywherei go you go, my dear; and whatever is doneby only me is your doing, my darling)I fearno fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I wantno world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meantand whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the budand the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which growshigher than soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)”

To the endless pitfalls we fall in that let us learn more and more about life….
And to the hope that we do better on our following experiences in life….
To the possibility of having an improved journey of life…
And to other Possibilities… To all Possibilities….

The Ass Print….

Well here is some fun thoughts I was having in a moment of boredom that made me laugh for a few moments… It is basically about the ass print I carved in my chair last thursday… That was a freaking lazy day for me… Was it Thursday or Friday.. I really don’t remember… But guess what that ass print had become my speciality in the past eight or nine months, usually I used to make my carvings of ass art cause I wanted to stay home and shit but this last time, man that was pure lazy ass art…

Well now at least I beleive I left something for future generations to remember me with… Kind of that thing I wrote on a wall in highschool, “Shereef Was Here” only this time, I left a signed proof, my ass print…. I hope that chair will be taken to a museum after my death and then tourists from all over the world will come visit and the tour guide will be like, “And this is the ass print of some great dude who lived 5000 years ago” (Assuming the visits will happen somewhere close to the year seven thousand and some change)…

Anywayz…. I am not a woman so I am not worried, it is a fat ass print and that makes it easier and more professional, my emotions are not involved in the making of my great ass art….

And well a friend was talking to me about his laziness today proving it by the face print he made on his pillow…. Well my friend there is nothing better than my ass print… It is more art than a face print cause come on, face prints, dude, you are sleeping to make a face print, my ass print needs patience, I am bored to death and yet I stay seated, super glued to my chair until I am done with my piece of art… Sorry, ASS ART….

If only I could carve a talking ass print the next time??? Any suggestions on that… You have a comment box if you do….

Well here is to my ass print…
And to the future generations who will worship my chair….
Here’s to Possibilities… You know me, always love to toast to that one….

C’est La Vie

Now this is my favorite part from my favorite poem (The Ulysses – By Alfred Tennyson)

It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in the old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal-temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

How much do I think that part of the poem relates to my life and to real life in general is unquantifiable. It just seems to fit mine to a great extent…. I am not now in that strength that in my previous days I had and I have never been in that strength that my ancestors and actually every one’s ancestors had but we all have that heroic heart that has been made weak by time and fate.

I have still kept my will intact, my hope alive and I am striving to be who I always wanted to be and I am seeking my goals and objectives with great determination and I know I am going to find them some way and some how….

Maybe life is not always as fair as it is expected to be, maybe it does never give us the time or chance to be who we want to be but if we are good enough to make a run for it we can create the chance and have all the time we need….

People, they keep pulling you backwards against your greatest efforts to move ahead and go forwards, they lie, they cheat, they put on acts of love and care and emotions that you know never existed and yet you believe them, you just want to, you never wanna see the real world around you, you don’t wanna smell the coffee and dude it has been spilt, and it got all dry and the table is now all sticky like hell…

I remember a quote that read, “Life is like a game of cards, the hand you are dealt represents determinism, the way you play it is freewill.”

Where is our freewill, where has it gone, and will we ever find it again, that free will that makes us manage to dodge bullets and save our emotions from the crappy insensitive dumbasses all around… That freewill that would let us see whom we love as people we love and not be so sure they loved us back… That free will that would make us scan a person before we call him a friend…. I have had my freewill for long, lost it for a while and then got back control over my life….

So roll the dice and take your chances at gaining control, self respect and making your own choices based on the sound of mind rather than the sound of heart, based on the truth about the people you know rather than what you wanna perceive as the truth…..

Simply, wake up and smell the coffee…. And yeah, wipe the table it is sticky….

Here is to that thing that gives us contol… Here is to freewill,
And here is to the cards we get…. Here is to determinism,
And here is to me, you and everybody we know,
Here is to that thing that gives us hope in a better tomorrow and a better future thereafter….. Here is to possibilities……

Sweating….

It’s very cold in there and yet I am sweating…. And I look around and wonder with my eyes popping out of my head in astonishment and ignorance while I ask myself one question, “Where am I?”
I am in my grave…. One that I have dug for myself…. I yell, “I am not dead yet… Why the fuck am I buried here?”

But there is no one to hear me and no one to get me out of here….
I am deep under the ground and I start wondering how I walked the road of my life to be here now, and another question pops in my head, “Is this the end? Is this how I die, in a grave I have dug for myself?”
I don’t know if I am gonna die here, I am sure I don’t want to… I am sure that if I have another day to spend in this life I want to spend it abiove the ground… It is better to be standing up on the hill than buried under it…

I am still sweating and if I keep sweating for longer I will be dehydrated, I am in pain… I can’t feel my body, my legs and that itself is pain… Here I go making a new discovery, finding out that other realms of pain exist…. Not feeling is sudeenly in itself some new form of pain…. My heart has lost its feel, my head is not functioning that well… I am not dead yet, but I am about to experience a stroke, a prelude to death and I am quite scared… I thought I would die walking on the street one day out of a heart attack, or go to sleep one night and never wake up… I thought it would all come all of a sudden, come as a surprise I wouldn’t even have time to feel it, but this…. This is what I never wanted…. And I guess I didn’t expect it either…..

Well here are a few questions that I want answers for if I am gonna freaking die here:
Did I even get a decent funeral?
Did anyone mourn my death? And if not will anyone do?
Will I ever find answers?

I am still sweating…. I wish I could dig my way out but I have digged my grave and I know how deep I digged it… And I know it is hard to go out cause the grave I digged is not one under the ground and the death I talk about here is just a symbol of that death we feel when we are alive, when our feelings melt and our heads go crazy and our tears stop flowing and all we have left is pain and loss of emotion and inability to be what we wanna be…..

I miss the old me… All of a sudden I miss that man and I keep asking myself one question…. Is he dead or will he ever wake up….

Here is to the old me…..
And to a better death we shall all have at the end rather than one that will make us live only to feel dead…..
Here is to my death… And to my the mourning I got when I died….
And here is to a decent funeral I should have thrown to myself because no one would care more…..
And here’s to hope that I wake up from my tiring death…..
Here is to…. You Know….. Possibilities….

Nudge: The Wake Up Call

The Nudge, Oh that annoying sound, I hate it….

I am sleeping my msn account is on away and my speakers are real loud, just a coincidence, I am not used to that but I did get out of the busy status (Casue I am always on busy) and I decided to put myself on away which is something I do every once in a while….

But then a friend of mine whom I haven’t chatted with in a while cause apparently we log-in at different times nudges me, and well he wakes me up… Damn it man, I am on freaking away and that means I am not freaking here… Is that too hard a concept to grasp…..

Well to analyze the situation, sleeping, nudge, wake-up, damn it….
What should my reaction be, should I talk to the guy? Well whatever it should be here is what I did… I muted my speakers…. Took a shower, sat infront of my PC looked at his contact and blocked him…..

So people out there, you freaking nudge me again and you know what will happen, you shall be blocked, beware of the blocker, it shall eat you alive….

Here is to the block option,
and to possibilities…..

Job Haters

It is amazing how i keep asking everyone, almost everyone I meet about their jobs, if they love it, if they hate it and it seems like 90% of the overall population actually hate their jobs…

I keep wondering why, maybe I am not so in love with the place I am working in but my job, the job title, everything about what I do in analysis and investments is something I love unexpectedly… Yeah when it comes to reviews and audits, Oh My God, I feel like I gotta kill myself, but I really adore my job in general… I am the analytical type, and again I am a presentational kind of person so I do the analysis and I present the facts and it works good for me….

How to get to love what you do?
I really don’t know how I did it and fell in love with what I do… But basically I guess it starts with knowing what you wanna do, you wanna be a writer, don’t just go and be a writer, find out what is it that you wanna write about and then go for it.

People are usually scared of changing their jobs, they go like “Oh we spent all this time doing this, blah blah blah, why lose all that experience to start all over again.” I tell them, “Why lose your entire life trying to do something that you will never love and at the end of this very same life have this feeling of regret that you never did what you should’ve done…”

Finally I quote Henri Frederic Amiel:

Work while you have the light. You are responsible for the talent that has been entrusted to you.
Here is to Mr. Henri Frederic Amiel…..
And here’s to possibilities…..

Eggs, Carrots and Coffee Beans….

I believe it takes struggle, a goal and enthusiasm to make a champion and I always aim at being one.

And this is what makes me believe that I am about to achieve a lot… The dots in my life are starting to connect or at least there are many signs informing me of how they will connect pretty soon… I have my entire life ahead of me and I am trying my best to improve and I am sure with some faith in God and some hard work I will improve my career….

If you want to sit and cry over spilt milk, lost moments, go ahead and be my guest but if you wanna achieve something out of life don’t let anything break you, break the barriers and move forwards…….

Don’t be an egg in boiling water…. Don’t let your heart get all stoned….
Don’t be a carrot in such water…. Become all soft and weak…..
Be the coffee and change the color and taste of the water…. Face your problems and get over them, let them accomodate to you and not the other way round….

Here is to Coffee….
And to Possibilities…..

Reflections on Life

Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.

And this is why ambitious people hate to stand still. They always feel like they should be moving forward, should be getting somewhere new… They always wanna feel like they are advancing, achieving, reaching new points and getting into new realms that only they could manage to deal with.

And that’s what always gets them real down. They never fail to meet their own expectations of themselves, they never do, but others could easily fail them. And then they would start hearing the ticking instead of ignoring it and going ahead… And then they stand still…

May every ambitious man find his way through the dark and the ticking to achieve what he dreams of, fulfill what he has always wanted, and make himself and the people whom he loves as happy as could be….

There is always a chance….

So here’s to Chances,
And to Possibilities….