According To Frasier

I was watching this episode of Frasier

Daphne expresses how she thinks it is awful that men use sex to get to what they want in response to Frasier’s feel of guilt after kissing Kate (His Boss) in her office while negotiating a pay raise for the producing talents in the radio station in which he works although he did not do it as some kind of seduction.

What I liked here was Frasier’s response to Daphne’s argument as he defended all fellow men by yelling:

“How could we possibly use sex to get to what we want? Sex is what we want.”

Conversations With Women

I was born and then twenty five years later I discovered that it is impossible to have a real fruitful conversation with a woman, and I really mean no offense here but it is actually practically impossible. Apparently most women have it in their nature to create those baseless arguments of theirs.

And well, because we are men, because we love to go through the logic of things step by step, because we love the concept of thinking which both genders are supposed to be able to do, we kind of find these arguments unconvincing. The one problem is we as men are not smart enough to let it go when the argument is so stupid and meaningless.

What is it that I was about to say?

Well, as men we use logic to create a bigger argument and object to whatever bullshit we must have heard moments before our logic popped out. Now the problem is women do not stop at that. In fact they start using their secondary weapon, yelling and shouting. Women’s worst trait, they yell and they shout and sometimes they may start insulting you knowing that it will piss you more and they have a whole plan in mind then to let you let go of your rage and anger that the insult has bestowed on you.

Well if the yelling does not work and if they reached their inconsiderate insulting level and you fumed in rage they would then start crying and you being the a man usually with a soft spot for a woman’s tears you would shut the fuck up and start pampering the… LADY…

Anyways, after you calm her down she executes the final part of the plan, you get an apology for the insult that have been given to you with an excuse that she was not aware of what she was saying… Not aware my ass…

Basic principles… In your relationships with women expect anything and everything… In your relationships with women expect the conversation to start with rudeness; ‘cause sometimes they don’t even have the baseless argument to start with…

With women, you gotta be calm, you gotta stand to your point and at the end of the day all I could guarantee you is if you pray she burns in hell, your prayers might be accepted and that is your only chance for freedom…

And yeah, No offense to women…

Fictional Couples

I hate it when people start comparing themselves or couples for all that matter to fictional couples. She forgot her wallet, he found it, and the wallet becomes Cinderella’s shoe. And well when he waits downstairs looking at her window and hey he’s Romeo and she is Juliet. Ladies and Gay Men, he is downstairs moving his eyes between her window and his watch cause she takes a lot of time to put on make up and choose what to wear, it is more like Romeo and Pinhead.

And what’s with the whole attitude towards time with the slow motion and the eternity needed to get dressed and put on makeup, can’t women be a little bit faster and a little bit more conscious about time. Someone’s gotta explain the concept of ‘Time don’t wait for no one’, someone should.

And that thing they do when they do something really unforgivable, you know when they start yelling thinking that in that way, they would turn the whole thing against you and that they in that way have succeeded into manipulating you into believing you that are totally wrong and they are totally right.

And that statement they make with the whole ‘I can’t take this anymore’, or ‘this is unbearable’ and the whole ‘I don’t wanna talk about this anymore’. Well those are very annoying and specially the last one, why do women know nothing about manners when they talk to a guy, why don’t they know that a conversation by two people is to be ended by a mutual decision to end it. Well it is most annoying when the conversation is actually started by them, if you start a conversation don’t insist on ending it as the man talks cause you don’t have fucking control over people’s lives.

Back to the fictional couples thing, people stop doing that you annoy me and you disgust me when you do it especially after the release of Titanic, you are not Rose and Jack.

We Need To Talk

Oh How I hate that one. It is always a sign of trouble and shit coming right at your face. She says you need to talk and you know hell is breaking lose and you are gonna be dragged in. Your manager tells you, you need to talk and you know you have to adjust the budget for the next month or well get your drawers emptied in boxes cause you are moving out, that being said to safe face cause you are more like kicked out.

And when you say it, you get to know what it feels to be in control and you know why others enjoy it, it feels good, you feel good, and you always try to ignore the feeling of guilt.

WE NEED TO TALK: The Break-Up Statement:

It is like you are encoding software, it is exactly like the ‘if’ statement, it is more like:

If X = ‘WE NEED TO TALK’

Then Y = Break-Up

Else Y = Another Conversation

END IF

It is the ‘we need to talk’ code; this is like a basic piece of code programmed in every relationship, the ‘we need to talk’ statement. I have had been dumped beyond my plans once, I mean sometimes I wanted to be dumped so I acted towards it in order that I do not dump and hurt feelings but there as this one time that wasn’t planned and there it came like a shock, ‘We Need To Talk,’ and I am sorry but it was really freaking painful to be waiting for someone to ask you to go fuck yourself since you know in advance you will be told so.

And well when your manager calls you over the phone and asks you to get to his office cause, YOU NEED TO TALK, that’s another one. What is he, your fucking girlfriend?

As much as it is entertaining to say that statement, as much as I have been there saying it and loved the power it gives me, as much as I hate to use it or have it used on me. I know people enjoy it but well, it has its downtimes too.

And BTW cause I know some people will ask and act all sympathetic and shit on the comments to this post. No I haven’t heard the statement in a long while and No I didn’t get dumped anytime close to now and No I am not all hurt here and depressed, so don’t freaking sympathize. It is just a thought that I felt like expressing cause I guess this statement is just the intro you get before a fuck off kick in the nuts comes through.

Road Trip

This is just general. This is sort of an intermission to the whole ‘F’s in my life thing that is going on over here. It is some sort of a commentary thing on the whole F ordeal. So if you haven’t read the previous posts it wouldn’t be much of a problem reading this one, it won’t make a big difference this time.

My relationships with the ladies, what does it feel like to me. I think it can be best described as less of a series of fuckups and more like stops on a road trip. You know I am traveling to city ‘X’, that city being the one, the girl I am gonna end up with and it is a long ride and instead of taking a plane to my destination, I go like ‘What the hell, I have time to spare’ so instead of getting on the plane I start my car engine and I hit the road and on the way I get to stop a lot of course in order to fill in some gas or grab a snack. At the end of the day, the one thing that matters is, I am still on my way towards city X. The only difference between my situation and a road trip is the fact that I have no destination or to say it in other words I know not of my destination. I am sure it exists but I have no guidance as to where that destination is located or how I am ever gonna arrive there so apparently a road trip is the best way to explore the unknown until I am at least more informed of my destination.

There have been a series of girls in my life, some were great and some weren’t but at the end of the day none of them deserved the honor of ending up with me. Call me crazy, call me arrogant, call me full of myself and I will call it the utmost possible self confidence I can have, I just believe that I have a lot to offer in a life time of family than many others would and that makes the choice harder, apparently very hard.

Absolutely Nothing

If you are busy and you have something better to do than check out this blog, then I advise you to turn around and go do it cause you are about to witness a post about nothing. This is a post about various and random statements I am about to make that apparently do not relate at all. If you don’t have anything better to do then read this but also you gotta see a therapist for that and try your best to get a life:

1. Last night, I watched the Lake House and apparently at some point in the movie I had a couple of tears. I don’t see why but apparently I am developing a freaking huge soft spot that shouldn’t be on me. I hate that.

1. Apparently Sandra Bullock is one of the best actresses to convince you of sadness when she looks all uncomfortable and her eyes are red and sad, didn’t know that, I used to think of Sandra Bullock as better at comedy.

1. Hate Keanu Reeves in most of his movies except for the Matrix and the Devil’s advocate and apparently I did love sweet November only for the sexy Charlize Therone yet I liked his acting in Lake House.

1. I tend to work a lot these days I only noticed today that I have had a bad headache for two weeks and I have done nothing about it and have not felt it being that horrible until I came to be really free and not for long.

1. I keep criticizing relationships and women in relationships and keep saying that I don’t wanna go into one ever again and wanna concentrate on my career which is my most important dream and yet when I dream of career I am thinking career that will make a wife and kids proud of me. Guess I want what I say I don’t want after all. Yet that does not mean that I will stop making fun of women and relationships just so you know and never come back telling me I contradict myself.

1. I lost an interview at a very great TV station for a consultative position, not because I don’t have the skills necessary.

Apparently, the feedback I got was, “He has the skills necessary to perform the job, he seems excellent at what he does. The problem is he was relaxed during the interview and so confident for someone being interviewed.”

Apparently this is always a problem, people want you to be scared like shit when you are proposing to parents or interviewing or whatever. They want your level of confidence to be zero. What if I know I a doing the right thing and what if that gets me all confident and relaxed. People are totally abnormal.

1. I tend to try to do everything perfectly to an extent that I get all tense when things don’t go as I expect.

1. I am so active and yet for some reason I feel so lazy. What is it that I have got to do in excess of what I do in order to feel really active and full of energy?

1. What really interests me most in women’s looks are their legs followed by the chest area which is weird, I guess usually people go the other way round.

1. I tend to act like an activist at times when I start talking about problems in Egypt and in the Arab world, but indeed I am not an activist it is just that whatever it is that is happening is what makes me for starters live away from Egypt in order to be able to make a better life and many other things in process. I also hate what is happening around me cause I love to see things in perfect shape. Being patriotic to me is about wanting to live a good life cause that would in the end lead to wanting to see a good surrounding environment and hence working for it.

1. I hate to criticize people directly so I always tend to mention my flaws before them in the conversation and work my way to mentioning their flaws from that point.

1. I believe love is not about finding the perfect person, it is about seeing an imperfect person perfectly, yet I think people shouldn’t abuse the fact that you have to see them perfectly by trying to act like total asses.

1. I have been a jerk in many relationships when I was younger and I honestly apologize for that and I know I seem like a nice guy but well, you become nice by starting off weird or so I believe.

1. I really believe I have to taste the sour to taste the sweet but it is getting so sour over here I am starting to believe the sweet doesn’t exist.

1. My eyes get filled with tears every time I think that someday I may wake up and my dad would be dead. I hope he has the longest life possible and I hope I do die before any of those I love and care for.

1. I am so addicted to sitcoms and comedy shows to the extent I have started lately to spend more time watching those on my free time and less time watching anything else.

1. I tend to be scared every time I walk into a new class to lecture a new batch of CMA candidates yet I act in total confidence I look them in the eye and when they ask about my age I tell them I am 26 like it is normal that everyone there would be 1.5 times my age.

1. I miss having my best friend around so badly I usually feel so lonely and unable to talk to anyone even though I may be surrounded by a lot of friends.

1. Sometimes I feel I had something on my mind and I keep trying to remember what it was although deep inside I am 100% confident I wasn’t thinking about anything and there was absolutely nothing on my mind.

1. I tend to worry a lot, I try my best to hide it and I succeed at most times and it is very hard to bottle up.

1. I act in arrogance or so people think I do although I am only overly confident, why shouldn’t I be?

1. I don’t believe I am that much of a good person like I claim to be.

I keep talking about the importance of hope although I usually feel I am never gonna make my dreams.

Legendary

Well, where did I stop? Yeah it was my childhood crush that I last talked about in my previous post. You are advised to read my latest two posts if you didn’t go for that yet cause that tells you about that Ted and Barney thing going on here.

My childhood crush, that was so innocent, with the whole annoying koochie koo thingie that was going on back then, and with how embarrassing it was. Anyways five years later and I am in a place where I had my second major crush and Oh I am the womanizer since I was a child, two girls were my second crush, not one, no, two. That makes me a freaking, womanizer, well i will pitch in psycho too. Or well, jerk is a lot better and applicable cause it is stupid to have a crush on two girls, twins, exactly looking alike, and hit on both of them and then they get to know and it all turns blah…

Well told ya I am weird. Or maybe I should call that a talent. Maybe I should just shut up if I am gonna draw conclusions about my personality and I better go ahead and start telling the story. Wow, I didn’t know I remembered the most minor details of the whole thing. So I was transferring schools and my parents had these family friends who had two sons and two twin daughters… Again don’t care about the sons let’s concentrate on the daughters, it is what I do, I am just a guy so I am excused, ain’t I?

So, I get this womanizing feeling and I have to hook up with both and a few months after I join the school I decide I should go for both of them at the same time. Wait a second,at the same day. I aim at pleasing. Well both girls were kind of different, one of them was totally after her looks and after shallow stuff and the twin sister was sort of tender and kind and to an extent psychotic, so are most girls I have ever hooked up with, I always fall for either the extremely bitchy, or extremely sensitive, or extremely selfish ones… Shit happens, but we are here again for the fun there is in it… So it happens that they look totally alike but there is a hint of extra beauty in the non-psychotic one but anyways I hooked up with both so I had it all, kind of… Well I depended in my evil plan on the fact that both of them dont like each other that much or that is how they were back then as kids. Depending on that piece of information I played my game, they wouldn’t tell each other but sadly every plan has this small defect and every plan has some kind of whole through which mice can come through and eat away the entire plan.

Apparently I forgot the cousin, their cousin who knew about each of them from each of them a month later and then got them together and conveyed the information… Care to know the reaction… Better not, it is enough that you have got this precious piece of history from my life…

Say hello, to the Barney surfacing on the top, but there is yet more to come I wasn’t a total Barney at this point, there is still a lot of developments that got me to be the Barney I turned out to be later… And well I kind of enjoy being what I have become after all I have got to know…

Suit-Up

Before we proceed, Have you met me?

I have been working in my previous post on introducing my Ted and Barney combination of a personality. I also said a few things about the effects my parents had on me and I believe I must have provoked many girls, especially the weird ones living on the Land of the Nile, on the way as I talked about how a housewife is a perfect wife… So basically if you haven’t read the previous post yet I advise you go back there and check it out before you continue…

When I think of the future, you know getting married have kids, there are two things in my head, how to make my kids grow up great and how to make my housewife’s life perfect. That woman is gonna be lucky once she gets me, she just needs to get ready and get going on a hunt for me cause well I am a catch… Arrogant… Yeah I know that too…

Life, relationships, the whole ordeal… Damn it, it all sucks… Yeah baby I know many people here agree… It is difficult to understand for example in my case how some girls were able to convert me from a totally caring person, to the kind of “I don’t give a rat’s ass” person I am now when their names are even mentioned… It is weird, yet very funny… And Ironic isn’t it?

This is not about those yet. We are still back in time when I was eight. Every person has a childhood crush, every single person, and if you say u never had one then you are just a gorilla disguised in a human body. I think even Gorillas have childhood crushes like we do, you know within the gorilla community you would expect to hear that ‘X’ Gorilla has a crush on ‘Y’ Gorilla and ‘A’ Gorilla is in love with ‘B’ Gorilla and maybe ‘C’ Gorilla is a jerk cause he slept with ‘Z’ Gorilla and never called her back. Oh, I know, I have heard, ‘N’ Gorilla is gay and ‘S’ Gorilla is a lesbian, well C’est la vie, they could still adopt…

Anyways why the fuck do I keep going out of order and bouncing away from the point. The point is my childhood crush… That first time as a kid you go like Oh, I love this girl and you say it in that squeeky annoying voice of yours that you want to turn into a manly voice while everyone around goes like, Koochie fucking koo he is adorable. Well, no he isn’t.

So my first crush was the young 9-years old Miss ‘S’, that age is weird, we are all in the process of changing the childhood freaking teeth with those big, elderly teeth and yet I manage to find someone with some teeth off adorable. Kids at that age are weird, at least I know I was. So I was in some school and she lived two buildings away from me and I remember she had a sister and a bro, I may remember the sister, details about her but the bro, I am sorry, straight men remember no other guys, they are all about the chicks, another extreme no moderation… I am sorryt but my name is “blah blah blah” and I am a chickaholic, always been so and will always be…

Man I wanna go in order but I keep remembering the naked maid picture and I am dying here. But I will have to wait on it… Everything in due time…

So back to miss ‘S’ my childhood crush, she was nice, she was beautiful, back then I thought so even with her in the teeth change process, well I was in it too so we seemed like a match made in heaven… LOL… Anyways the thing is I used to try my best to look perfect when we took the bus together to school, of course my younger sister happened to tell my mom and dad and Oh My God they used to laugh and make fun of the young kid who is growing up and all funny and yeah “KOOCHIE KOO”… Well, Ha Ha Ha, I am still embarassed… I was neat for the time I was secretly in love with Miss S, I was tidy, I never played at school wanted to go home with the shirt just as clean and wrinkle-free as I left home with in the morning, maybe even cleaner… Who knows, I was a kid, I thought if I tried hard enough I could do magic, can you blame me with all the stupid cartoons?

So I grew up now and I laugh at it, still embarrassed cause apparently every one in the family, and I am not talking parents I am extending it to aunts and uncles knew and it was for a while their koochie koo joke and I just hope everyone has forgotten about it cause apparently I am not that koochie koo any more and I am not even anywhere close to that innocence of the age…

Anyways there is still a lot to say but that’s it for now… But here is an advice, when you are eight and you are having a crush tell no one about it, that thing goes with you to the grave, do you get that or do I have to repeat myself you eight years old freaks? And well don’t suit up, and don’t be so happy ties are compulsory at school, they don’t make you look older and they don’t make you look more of a man, they just make you look “KOOCHIE-KOO”, and believe me that is embarrassing.

The ‘F’s In My Life

This is one of those posts in which I make a total joke of events in my past life. This is one of those posts that will offend many people I have known and met and yet one of those posts that are really fun or so I hope…

In your life you have those experiences that are really funny, those adventures, mishaps maybe, perhaps many of them just were there to teach you a lesson you will never forget, kind of twisting your arm to remember not to be a total screw-up. Some of them had happy endings, some of them still make you all teary and shit, you know if you are a guy then you know what I mean by teary, those moments in which you act like dust has invaded your eyes. We all got those moments and for some reason as we grow older in age and wiser in mind we treasure them…

I would love to be able to say that I learnt from my experiences. I learn, I am a learner… Hell no, who am I kidding I keep going for the same mistakes everytime.

There are many characters in this story and there are many people I will have to apologize to after this is posted and there are many people who may have to apologize to me and they will never do cause they will never accept that they ever did me wrong but hey what the hell this afternoon I was KING KONG – Yeah, I will tell ya all about that later on, everything in due freaking time…

What do you think it is? What are the ‘F’s in my life?
Am I talking about my Fuck-Ups? Well, Yeah but No….
Am I talking about my Friends? Partially, will address that in an even funnier post, probably posts…
Am I talking about Freaks? Yeah baby some here are freaks but no, even those will need several other separate posts…
Am I talking about Forks? What the hell, am I checking all the words starting in an F in a dictionary…

Fathers, Fertilizers, Fertility, Fat Chicks, Fountains, Foundations, Fury, Feasts, Fences, Future? No, No, No, No, What the Hell, No, No, Love those, No, and No…




Females, Yeah these are the ones, the females in my life. What has inspired me to give you this piece of my mind and time and awfully weird past? I have been watching the first season of this sitcom for a few days… I discovered I am Ted… So let’s play a little game Barney likes to call, “Have you met Ted?”




The show is called, “How I met your mother,” and I discovered that I am the lead in that show, I am a Ted, sometimes a Barney but I am a sure Ted at many, many times, my friends shall vouch for that and to those who think I am an angel and a good guy, think twice, you are about to meet a fucked up combination of Ted and Barney and that I tell you ain’t a beautiful picture we have there…




So you wanna know more about Ted, go watch the whole season and you will know all you would and could wanna know about Ted but well I will air my own show on this blog and somehow starting somewhere different, somewhere you would never think I would…



The only thing I would wanna tell you about Ted is that he is the kind of idiot who falls in Love with every girl he sees, wait a minute, that’s what he tries to convince you of when he says, “I think she may be the one.” And well to be honest the guy is not that bad, he gives each of those freaky chicks out there the benefit of the doubt and I have heard him say the “L” word once and I don’t say it unless the girl gives me those feelings. No kidding…



Well Barney, Barney, Joey, Barney is worse… I am a Barney at times, sometimes it is a lot of times…



Here is a sample to know Barney:
(Conversation about Marshall and Lily’ wedding)
Barney: Hey, What about me, what’s my job? What should I do.
Lily: Your job is really simple, at the wedding do not hook up with anyone even remotely related.
Barney: Lil, you know I can’t do that.



And that my friends is me: a complex, weird annoying person who is very weird and girls are advised to either stick to or keep really a distance from… I have heard both words said about me…



In order to know what a man wants you should know his history with women, and you should always remember that for some “Ihsan Abdel Qudoos” kinda weird twisted reason he may have all the hatred for his mother and for some kind of normal reason he may always remember that woman he calls “mum” is the one who suffered a lot to bring him to this world… Nine freaking months and an awfully painful delivery specially if you are the first, a weirdly annoying first…

So everyman and woman are affected by their parents in one way or the other, it depends on how they parents and other factors in his life act all together in the formation of his personality. I have had that effect in a positive way. I have always wanted to be my father, a copy of what he is, is what I always thought I should be if I wanted to have a good life. Well, I have got the sarcasm but instead of his moderation even in the sarcasm aspect I have come to be extremely sarcastic. I somehow manage to talk like him at a lot of time, I don’t usually do it on purpose it just happens, you know it is all about genetics and shit. Now, I think it is pretty obvious by now, I adore my father, to me he is the ideal man, not just ‘cause he is my pup but also ‘cause he is with no competition a really different man. He is patient and he has been able to bear a lot throughout his life that I know anyone else or at least most people could not bear and he has managed to make it to raise me to become who I am, I know I am not that successful and I didn’t even succeed in achieving my major goal of being like him but well I am still trying… Oh My God… I am a failure… Just Kidding…

Anyways, this part is not about my father, this is supposed to be about my mother, the other parental figure in my life. She is the best, she is kind and she is tender and she makes me proud she did that lot of effort in raising me. Now if I wanna be my father and I adore him that much and apparently I adore my mother too, I am sure I want to have in the woman I am gonna share my life with, if any, a lot of traits that I know my mother possesses and maybe other things not just in basic traits but also in lifestyle. Let’s see what kind of impact my mom has over my plans for the future…

Well for starters my mom is a lawyer by education but she has never worked and not because my father asked her not to but she did it willingly to give us (Me, my two sisters and my bro) full time attention. Well, I would want the woman I would marry to be a housewife. Typical, I knew you would say that… Clever, Yeah I am…

Now here is the thing. I believe the best a woman could do is raise her kids, it is what she does best especially with the father being busy most of the day earning a living for the household and I believe kids are best raised when mothers give them the most attention and most attention only happens when she is a house wife…

And well, I know I am getting these arguments on the lips of some people now:

- Our mothers used to work, do you wanna say we are not well raised and well bred? Well shut the hell up, I am not embarrassed to say it, I stick with my theory and I believe you would have been better. Fuck it, I have had to dodge that argument for long, today I have a say.

- Some mothers do not work and yet their kids grow up to be… Don’t even finish it, are you that stupid? Come on I am talking about those mothers who know the meaning of full time attention, not the ones that do not work but instead spend all their time out in malls and health clubs with their mother friends just bragging about their new whatever thingies that they got for the living room or the new sofa that they got for the bathroom, why buy a sofa for the bathroom anyways? And health clubs, ladies I am sorry to inform you but health clubs are for staying healthy and living happily as a result, not for spending most of your time there.

What other traits does my mother possess that I want in a wife, well a lot, the tenderness the ability to teach my kids religion and good manners without having them hate being good. I want her to be funny, you know we are the funny family, sarcasm, jokes, we have got it all and I want my wife to have my mom’s jokingly attitude and well, the rest of the family’s sarcasm, now that would be cool, really wanna pass the legacy on to them.

Lots of traits my mother has and some that she doesn’t possess is what I want in a wife… Pretty complicated huh… Yeah, an almost impossible target, I know…

So talking about females in my life, my mother and my two sisters would be the only three constants in my life… Cool I have got constants…

Yeah well, there is another reason why I am saying this, one other motive, apparently today I feel I sunk to a new low, unintentionally but I did. Wait a minute there, looking back at it, for many people discovering that I may have unintentionally caused a series of unfortunate events would be sought of as a new low but well, I think for me, it is nothing but a new medium…